On virtually every television channel, magazine cover and internet search, eyes of the extremely-made-over peer at you. Like theatre, we laugh at the disasters, applaud the winners. So let's come clean: plastic surgery isn't a medical procedure, it's entertainment. And what better way to entertain than combining a little nip 'n' tuck with an action-packed adventure?
Some clever people are not only on to this trend but are helping to create it, though perhaps no one combines dirt-cheap plastic surgery and luxury holidays with more imagination and ease than Lorraine Melville at Surgery and Safari in South Africa.
Now, travelling for medical procedures isn't new. For ages, people diagnosed with life-threatening disease have crossed borders in search of a cure. The new twist is this: nowadays it's the well who seek international medical attention. Ugliness is officially a disease. Luckily, it's treatable. And fortunately, if you plan ahead, it's an affordable luxury. While "cheap luxury" sounds like a bit of a contradiction, Lorraine will weave these opposite terms into the experience of a lifetime faster than you can say "liposuction".
But preparing for such a trip is a delicate operation, a bit like eating Japanese blowfish — if it's not prepared properly, it could be deadly. That's where Lorraine comes in: not only will she take care of your surgery arrangements; she'll also carefully match these procedures with appropriate travel adventures.
Why not combine eyelid surgery and laser vision correction with a bush safari? You can use your new eyes to spot the Big Five from a Land Rover. How about lions and lipo? With legs that skinny, even if you get separated from your tour group the lions won't be tempted to eat you. Whatever adventure you choose, take the advice of the experts and you won't find yourself climbing Kilimanjaro after calf implants.
Surgery and Safari isn't the only game in town; get a second opinion at Evolution Cosmetic. They will book your procedures at The Rosebank Clinic in Johannesburg, South Africa, where, as a rule you'll spend between one and two nights, with the option of a private room for the duration of your stay. Post-clinic, heal in luxury at a five-star safari lodge in the Entabeni Private Game Reserve. There you can choose from Big Five viewings, helicopter flights and sunset lake cruises. Unless you're really feeling up to it, though, (and your doctor agrees) best to give the horse riding a miss.
Companies that organise medical travel adventures will guide clients through the entire process — meeting them at the airport, accompanying them to consultations and surgery and arranging their postoperative holidays. For the most part, preoperative consultations are handled via e-mail. During this time, you'll submit an in-depth Medical History Form and a close-up picture to assist your surgeon to assess your suitability for surgery. Don't, however, feel obliged to burden your doctor with your childhood baggage. He doesn't care if you were called "beaky" on the playground. In fact, you won't need to convince the doctor of any earth-shattering reason for your surgery; a mere mention that you're bored with your current look should fast-track you to the nearest operating theatre.
Travel guides will be useless helping you communicate your most basic post-surgical needs to locals, so I've put together a few life-saving phrases in Afrikaans that you should commit to memory: "Nee dankie, dit pyn as ek sit!" ("No thanks, it hurts when I sit.") "Haai, kyk my Tupperware tiete!" ("Would you like to see my Tupperware boobs?") and, "Ek skrik nie, ek lyk altyd so." ("I'm not startled. I always look like this.")
One last travel tip: while some operators promote a triptych of "sun, safari and surgery" — presumably because alliterations sound better in threes — any surgeon will tell you to avoid sun before and especially after surgery, so take my advice and bring your tan in a can. Model Co makes a smart self-tanning airbrush, packaged in a hot pink canister, that will fit in your carry-on. One blast of this stuff and you'll come back glowing like the Serengeti sun to bask in your friends' wonder at how your African adventure has taken years off you, darling ...
